image (1) The quest for the perfect coffee mug is a lifelong one. Ideally it should meet the following criteria:

1. Free – as in, $0.

Coffee mugs are truly abundant; someone who thinks otherwise should drop by any garage sale or donation center to witness the porcelain ziggurats erected in the name of java. There are, in fact, so many mugs in this land that the idea of paying for one should never cross your mind. Also, the perfect mug should arrive by chance, as a gift, or be so coveted that it is worth the risk of a stealthy removal from its previous owner. I do not condone stealing, except in the case of coffee mugs, because it creates more jobs (someone has to make more of them, no?)

2. Perfectly sized

Not too small, not too big. Dainty tea cups are for dainty persons, which, if you find any of this to be interesting, you likely are not. Oversized mugs are for aspiring cat ladies and the cast of Friends, which you are also, hopefully, not.

3. Solid

If you are experiencing a positive, productive morning, and you desire to remedy the situation, spill coffee on your laptop. A good mug must be thick, to retain the heat of the beverage, and have a wide, sturdy base. If you could not, for instance, bludgeon a raccoon into submission with your coffee mug, it is not solid enough.

4. Intriguing subject matter

A mug worth keeping should have something awesome on it. This may include, but is not limited to: dinosaurs, racecars/motorcycles, hunting scenes, inspiring landscapes, naked women (or men), or a radical business. Bubba’s BBQ in Jackson Hole is a radical business. The BBQ is not spectacular, but it is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A mediocre pulled pork sandwich becomes Michelin-star cuisine at 3 in the morning after ten rounds of tall boys and well bourbon shots. Just sayin’.